reflections

nothing

I have bad news: there is no divine deal that if we do the right thing, everything will turn out how we wanted. I keep forgetting this is not in the contract.

The week of Christmas, I may as well have hooked myself up to a slow-drip IV of butter and sugar. There was one time that I went a whole hour without eating, but it was intentional and worked hard to meet that goal. My stomach hated me that week.

But I did get my act together by the new year and went off sugar, mostly, and this week I got back to my morning walk, if for nothing else than the sake of my squirrels (the ones in my head – I’m telling you, they need constant attention).

And now – one week into my new, healthy lifestyle – my pants have become too tight.

This was not even about that, and now we have to go and make an issue of it? I was deciding between eating all of the cookies and going on a hunger strike. But then I was granted a moment of Grace and remembered that today is not the finish line, this project isn’t due yet. Phew.

So I went for a walk and ate a modest amount of chips and hummus because that was what I would do if my pants did fit.

It is always a revelation to me that Jesus is not particularly interested in my pants size. He was never about me walking out of here with the perfect life, where everything is comfortable and easy and I get to appear on Oprah because I am that awesome.

This is where Jesus and I differ in our hopes and dreams for me.

These varying goals have been front and center lately, as he has taken a recent interest in all my biggest failures, as if I had them proudly displayed in a trophy case, which I do not. It’s a little rude, if I’m honest. I offered some deals and suggested courses of action around them, but he did not take me up on that. It is as if he thinks this is some sort of complicated interior renovation job.

I really thought we had moved on, put these buried pieces of my heart behind us. But Jesus has taken up Redemption like a hobby, and he has a whole Pinterest board of possibilities. Yeah, he’s THAT friend.

Redemption is a nice idea except when it involves digging up what I have worked very hard to forget and leave behind. And now being asked to turn around and face them again? That is unfun, in every sense of the word, and that is me being gracious about it.

I like having answers and I like things being easy and all I have in these places is nothing. No ideas, no energy, no tools to help – nothing.

But I suspect that is what I needed all along.

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