broken / learning

“you know the way”

way

This morning I sat in my chair and waited for the words to come. I typed out a bunch of them, but they were the wrong words, in the wrong order and they were only partly true. But I sat and I tried and I typed anyway and then after 45 minutes of trying, I decided to clean my oven, which is how you know your life is pretty much unsalvageable.

The voices, they were loud. The expectations. I went through voice by voice and I reached up to turn down the volume to zero. I’m sorry, I do want to listen to you, but not when you’re in my head. And then the loudest voices, the Voice of Self Preservation singing the love ballad, “You Better Figure This One Out Quick, You Dummy”.

We try so hard, don’t we?

—–

“You know the way…”

That’s what Jesus said to his disciples.

“You know the way…”

They tried to argue, pointing out that  — remember Jesus? — they could not know the way because they did not know where they were going.

But that’s exactly it. When I know where I’m going, I push and I work and I strive and I strain because I must get myself there. And that’s not the Jesus way of doing things. Jesus did hard things — the hardest things — and he had to fight for them. But not striving, there was no striving.

The path we walk doesn’t have a map. Sometimes God alerts us to Points of Interest up ahead — and usually we confuse them for the destination — but the map, we don’t get one of those.

All we get is a Guide. “I am the Way,” he said.

—–

We try so hard.

We want to get it right and be who we think Jesus expects us to be.

All Jesus expects is ourselves. He just asks us to show up.

“You know the way,” he says.

And we do.

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